


Private Island

by Esperata



Category: LEGO Batman: The Movie - DC Super Heroes Unite (2013), The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Bad Flirting, Harlivy (background), Hattercrow (background), Jealousy, M/M, Riddler has a crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26549791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/pseuds/Esperata
Summary: Penguin has got himself a luxury island and his fellow rogues have been invited for a visit. One in particular has an ulterior motive for going though.
Relationships: Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma
Comments: 69
Kudos: 88





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Its Batman Day and I'm really glad to have something new to post.

As the boat pulled into the little harbour, the crowd on board were all happily chattering and commenting on the destination awaiting them. Riddler had hoped for a more personal introduction to the place but he nonetheless found himself sharing in their excitement.

The waters they were sailing over were crystal clear revealing a host of marine wildlife flourishing beneath them. The beaches stretching away each side of the dock shone in the sun with pristine emptiness. Slightly further up, luxuriant trees reached their shade forward and offered a cool wildness for the explorers amongst them.

But beyond that, and outlined against the pure blue sky, was a mansion that would have befitted the most wealthy socialite. The holiday home of their esteemed host. Who was waiting for them to berth and sheltering himself from the worst of the sun with a striped umbrella.

“It sure was nice of Penguin to invite us here,” Harvey commented from Eddie’s left. “I’m glad you asked him for us.”

On Riddler’s other side, Scarecrow snickered which drew the attention of the individual who had been bouncing around behind them for a better look.

“What’s got you giggly Professor Crane?” Harley rested her hands, one on his shoulder and one on Eddie’s, as she both angled for a view and awaited an answer.

“Harvey was just thanking Ed for getting us this invite,” he smirked.

At that she stopped fidgeting and twisted her head to look at Riddler.

“You asked Pengy to invite us all here?” It took only a second for his embarrassed face to tell its own answer. “Ah. You were hoping for a private invite here.”

It was not a question but he couldn’t help but respond as he irritably shrugged her off.

“I didn’t want to  _ demand _ he invite me. I thought if I phrased it more casually it would be less weird.”

“You phrased it as a riddle didn’t you?” Two-Face threw in his two cents.

That question didn’t even dignify a response and Riddler merely huffed and crossed his arms.

“Aw, don’t worry.” Harley threw her arms around him. “This holiday will still be the perfect occasion for you two knuckle heads to get together!”

Before he could object to that she’d already hurried off to join those disembarking. He held back a minute while his companions jostled for position vacating the boat. It was true that this wasn’t the one-on-one holiday he’d hoped for but perhaps it would still bring the opportunity he needed to confess his feelings for Oswald. In these relaxed surroundings without needing to fear the Bat was watching them at every turn surely it would be easier.

With renewed determination therefore he followed the group down towards the beach where Penguin was seemingly gathering everyone. Most of them were gazing about, enjoying the warmth and the scenery but Ed headed straight to join the few people around Oswald.

“I knew you were well off Pengy,” Joker was saying. “But how many banks did you have to rob to afford all this?”

The tone of jealousy and bare hint of admiration caused Oswald to preen as he answered.

“Actually, I got it at a scandalous price from Bruce Wayne. The man has no brains in his head at all and it was easy to convince him the place was worth far less than the suggested price. It was like taking candy from a baby! Wak, wak.”

His pleased laughter made Riddler grin. Of  _ course _ Oswald would have negotiated such a con with Gotham’s favourite billionaire to get this island. Out of all of them, he was the only one to operate on the same level as the corrupt socialites of the city and thereby garnered a measure of camouflage for his dodgy deals.

“That’s te _rr_ ific.”

He heard himself curl the ‘r’s rather dramatically and caught Oswald’s wary smile at the tone. It was unfortunate that Ed often sounded sarcastic even when he was being quite earnest.

“Thank you.” Oswald was obviously opting to ignore any subtext in order to keep the gathering jolly and he promptly turned his attention away. “Ivy? Could you lend your expertise on the ecology of the island while you’re here? There’s some birds I’d like to encourage.”

As she moved to accompany Penguin in the lead, everyone else fell in behind them to make the journey up to the house and Harley promptly attached herself to his arm.

“So, you got a plan for confessing all to Pengy?”

“I had the perfect plan until you lot gatecrashed,” he huffed, albeit not shaking her off.

Harley was nothing if not used to the foibles of her friends and she recognised an invite to pry when she heard one.

“Ohh, share!”

“Well. It’s a multistage plan,” he explained. “I’ve been leaving him little notes for a while now. Warming him up to the idea of having an admirer. The plan was, when he continued receiving said notes with just me here-”

“He’d know for sure you were his admirer,” she concluded. “It’s a good plan. I like it. Just one question though. These notes? How clear were they?”

“What do you mean?”

She grimaced slightly at his defensive tone but didn’t back down.

“Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m guessing they were in the form of riddles.”

“They were some of my  _ best  _ riddles.”

The response garnered an eye roll.

“I don’t doubt it but ya see, the problem isn’t that he doesn’t know  _ who  _ they’re from - that’s kind of obvious - but I think he just doesn’t get what they  _ mean _ .”

“Oh.”

“Look, you want my advice? Tell him straight. There’s some things you just can’t use riddles for.”

She gave his shoulder a friendly pat and then turned her whole attention onto the house they were entering. Ed noted her advice but he too was distracted by the surroundings.

The prominent portico funneled them into a cavernous entrance room. The floor was tiled with an elegant black and white diamond pattern that Ed couldn’t help but liken to a chessboard laid corner to corner. Several archways led off either side into the main rooms of the house and between those doorways were alcoves decorated with vibrant sculptures. Every one appeared to be an exotic species of bird which led to the conclusion Penguin had installed them himself. Briefly Riddler pondered what billionaire playboy Wayne had decorated with previously but he quickly shook the thought away as the group was led up the sweeping stairway directly opposite.

“There are bedrooms along either wing of the house,” Penguin explained from up front. “With shared bathrooms between each. I’ve labelled your rooms so there should be no arguments. I suggest you all settle in and then we can meet in the kitchen downstairs for dinner. I thought we might then watch a movie. There’s a cinema room for the purpose.”

His voice carried a smug air but it was likely few people noticed, busy as they were chatting together or focused on the house’s layout and deciding whether to try left or right first in search of their designated chamber. Edward already knew he’d follow Penguin as long as he could in hopes of catching a few moments alone and it seemed entirely probable as he stayed there directing guests towards their rooms.

Edward hung back a little, faking interest in the arrangement of window and lights, and waited for the hubbub to die down. As the last few rogues cleared the area though he was aware that his position was looking ever more awkward and he turned to throw a disarming complement or query Oswald’s way. Only to see him in close conversation with Jervis.

He couldn’t help the frown that pulled at his face but resisted the urge to tap his foot impatiently. To his dismay however, the pair didn’t separate but began walking together along the corridor. Feeling ever more idiotic standing alone, he opted to follow at a considerate distance, matching their shorter stride by pausing periodically to check the doors. He couldn’t hear their low voices but did distinguish Penguin’s unusual remarks of surprise and coos of sympathy.

As they came towards the last doors his hopes rose. Surely Oswald would leave Jervis to explore his room and then Ed could approach himself. It would only be natural to ask direction and then so simple to segue the conversation into architecture or art. Ed knew from experience that once they hit on a familiar topic they could easily talk for hours. Therefore, when the shorter men stopped at the penultimate door, Edward felt less hesitation about getting nearer.

“I put you in the room next to mine,” Oswald was explaining. “So if you need anything you can nip through.”

A flare of jealousy erupted in Riddler but he carefully bit it back. Jervis wasn’t competition. He was barely even a true criminal. What had he ever done to make the headlines? Coerced some rich people into sacrificing a portion of their fortune? Trapped the Batman in a mad tea party? Ed paused as he recalled some of his own endeavours and then shook the comparison away. It was nonsense. He was clearly the better choice here.

“Actually,” Jervis fluttered his eyes. “I’d quite like your advice, if you can spare a minute now?”

“Of course.”

Ed watched in horror as Oswald gestured Jervis into the room labelled ‘Mad Hatter’ and made to follow him. His heart skipped briefly when the short man paused and glanced over to him though.

“Your room is opposite mine Edward. On the end there. I hope it’s to your liking.”

Before he could formulate an appropriate response however both men had gone and the door had shut. With his plan foiled, Edward grumbled to himself and sulked off towards his own place of refuge to reconsider his strategy.


	2. Chapter 2

Dinner was an ad hoc affair as people descended into the kitchen at intervals to help themselves from the food on offer. A large casserole pot, almost as big as Penguin himself, gave off a delectable smell and most people opted to grab a bowl along with bread rolls for dipping. The vegetarians and the more picky eaters raided the fridge for salads and other cupboards for delicacies.

Riddler was at least partially relieved to see that Penguin had seemingly left Jervis’ room fairly promptly as he was in evidence helping his guests find utensils and anything else they wanted. He looked quite in his element playing host and Ed found himself lost in watching him. Right up until he heard a sinister hissing sound next to him.

“So…” Scarecrow drew out the sibilance. “You made a plan yet?”

Ed glanced sideways to see what might have been a sympathetic look. Or pitying. It was hard to tell.

“I’m considering my options,” he hedged.

“I have a suggestion.” The spooky gaze dropped back to his food. “If you’re interested?”

Pride warred with desperation and Riddler hesitated. Then he saw Jervis wandering in and immediately receiving the company and attention of Oswald.

“I’m listening.”

Scarecrow had apparently also noticed the interaction since his gaze was now upon the pair of shorter criminals.

“We’re going to be watching a movie tonight, so Penguin said. Which means they’ll be an argument as no-one can agree what to watch.”

Riddler nodded at that. It was par the course whenever they attempted the pastime.

“I’m going to suggest a horror movie and you should back me up.”

“Whyever should I do that?”

“ _ Because _ when Penguin gets scared he’ll need someone to comfort him.”

The patronising tone passed Eddie by as his mind conjured the scenario. Oswald huddling into his side, Ed putting an arm around him, their bodies fitting together so closely he could feel Ozzie’s heart beat… the heart perhaps starting to race for other reasons…

The vision burst as his rational mind interjected a problem.

“Even if I  _ do  _ second your suggestion, it won’t be enough to swing the vote. Joker and Harley always agree on their choice as well.”

“I thought of that. Ivy is going to back the choice as well.”

That caught him by surprise. Poison Ivy was notoriously difficult to co-opt into schemes, at least if you weren’t Harley, and he would internally admit to being mildly impressed Crane had managed it.

“Very well. I guess it can’t hurt to try.” His eye was caught by Oswald and Jervis sitting together further down the long table and he scowled. “Though he’ll probably wind up sitting with  _ Jervis _ .”

The sneer in his tone was unmistakable and it obviously registered with Jonathan as he narrowed his eyes at the comment. For a brief moment he sat silent, then he dropped his gaze again.

“I’ll sit with Jervis,” he proposed. “We can discuss book to film adaptations.”

Now it was Riddler’s turn to narrow his eyes.

“That seems very altruistic of you.”

A wide grin answered him.

“I never said I’d do it for nothing. You can owe me a favour.”

Jonathan rose and made his way out of the room towards where everyone was gathering in more comfort ready for movie night. Ed hesitated a moment, caught between not wanting to lose sight of Oswald and wanting to scope out the layout for the plan. Finally the later won out, especially as he was receiving curious looks due to sitting alone with an empty bowl.

As he entered the large sitting room, it didn’t take him long to assess probable placements. Bane and Croc as the biggest rogues had already laid claim to the two wide armchairs and were currently engaged in a game of throwing food to each other to catch in their mouths. Harley and Joker had dragged bean bags in from who knows where and were giggling together in the middle of the floor. It took Ed a second to realise the bean bags were actually Clayface stealing prime position in front of the screen. Behind him two long sofas awaited everyone else.

Briskly he calculated Penguin’s most likely favoured spot. Undoubtedly it would be either central sofa end, giving him the best view along with a side table for snacks. Which gave Ed a fifty-fifty chance of guessing. Or perhaps he didn’t need luck he decided as Two-Face pushed passed him with a quiet ‘sorry’ from Harvey. Quickly he reached out and grabbed the arm of his better side.

“Dent, Two-Face, my dear old friends. Could I persuade you to pick a central seat?”

Two-Face stepped away, abruptly pulling the arm from Ed’s grasp.

“That’s what we were going to do anyway,” he sneered before leaving to do just that.

“Perfect,” Ed purred quietly under his breath, his mind easily slotting everyone in their places and almost skipping to take his.

He ducked as he reached the middle of the empty sofa since Man-Bat swooped above him to hang from the ceiling over the snack table but he turned that into a drop down into the seat, neatly providing himself with an excuse not to sit at the end. Ivy wandered in with Catwoman straight after him and he tensed but the women ignored him utterly to go sit alongside Two-Face. He chose to believe it was so they were behind Harley rather than avoiding him yet couldn’t help but be relieved. Especially as Scarecrow came in next, already deep in conversation with the Mad Hatter.

The creepy criminal had no difficulties manipulating Jervis into sitting the opposite end while he took his place beside Ed albeit not even glancing his way. Still, Ed was grateful. Now he looked with anticipation for the last people, confident he knew where they’d each choose.

Sure enough, moments later Penguin escorted Victor Freeze in and, after a brisk glance, directed the icy crook to the far seat beside Catwoman while he came to sit beside Ed. He couldn’t help but grin as the pieces fell into place. Then Penguin asked aloud what everyone wanted to watch and the low level chatter turned into a hubbub of voices calling their opinion.

Ed gave it a few seconds, then turned to the grimacing man next to him.

“Actually, I think Scarecrow’s choice would be interesting.”

“You do?”

The shock of anyone agreeing so readily sent a wave of quiet through the group and Ivy chose that moment to pipe up as well.

“It has my vote.”

Her lips curling into a smile wasn’t reassuring but nevertheless Penguin conceded magnanimously.

“Very well. Since so many of you seem to be keen.” His eyes flickered almost suspiciously to Ed. “The Ruins it is.”

The lights were dimmed, people hushed, and the film started. And almost immediately, Ed knew he wasn’t going to like it. He managed to keep quiet about three minutes before his mouth got away from him.

“I wish they’d make up their mind if she’s wearing sunglasses or glasses.”

He was shushed by the two clowns in front of him and sank back into the cushions. Reminding himself that the film wasn’t important so much as Penguin’s reaction to it helped a little but as it dragged on with no signs of cowing the other man he had to speak. This time however he leant in to converse solely with Oswald.

“If this is supposed to be the Yucatan Peninsula there shouldn’t be any big hills. That looks more like Australia to me.”

Although he only received a vague hum in response it was more than enough incentive to keep talking so he did so, happily pointing out all the continuity errors and historical inaccuracies. Starting with the style of the pyramid being wrong, continuing through the lead actor’s mysteriously inconsistent scar and getting impressively detailed during the amputation scene.

It was at this point however that the reality of Penguin’s blatant boredom with the film hit home. While gory injuries were nothing uncommon for them, Ed had hoped the film’s sinister horror would have triggered more of a response. Thus far though Penguin did not seem upset by the prospect of invasive vines. He certainly wasn’t clinging to Ed in terror.

Glancing passed the shorter man, Ed could see Ivy just beyond Dent, smiling in delight as the plants on screen claimed more victims. Turning the other way he saw Scarecrow had Jervis buried under one arm, sneaking little peeks at the screen before hiding his face again. Scarecrow’s hand was brushing his shoulder comfortingly. Ed arched a challenging eyebrow at him only to receive a smug smirk in response and he realised he’d been well and truly played.

Oswald was not going to hide under Ed’s arm and the fear obsessed psychologist had probably known that all along. He’d only wanted to get the film of his choice so he could woo his own crush.

Ed perked up a little at the knowledge that at least this should mean Jervis and Oswald were not going to pair off together. Which meant Oswald was still available for him to sweep up. He therefore returned to his film appraisal.

As the credits finally rolled though he found himself once again on his own. Penguin rose almost immediately to begin directing people to bed, saying goodnights and answering questions. Peripherally he saw Scarecrow escorting Jervis away and wondered if they’d be sharing a room that night. A hand on his shoulder made him start.

“Sorry the evening didn’t work out for you,” Harvey offered.

“Maybe if you didn’t bore him with trivia you might get somewhere,” Two-Face concluded.

The bifurcated villain left and Ed sank into himself. A glance to Oswald wasn’t reassuring since he looked tired out even as he patiently listened to whatever Freeze was saying. Ed knew he could frustrate people but all he’d wanted to do was interact with Oswald in some way. With his proverbial tail between his legs he decided to beat a retreat and hope for a better chance in the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

Everyone was excited by the plans to enjoy their first full day away from the city in who knew how long. Everyone except Edward who couldn’t help but feel hard done by. This should have been a quiet holiday with just him and Oswald, not a group event where he couldn’t get a word in edgewise. It didn’t help his mood any to see Jonathan and Jervis thick as thieves over breakfast after the little scheme of the night before. All he could think was that should be him and Oswald.

The day’s plan didn’t exactly fill him with enthusiasm either. Some of the rogues were staying put to rest and relax, and a few had arranged a games tournament which sounded fun, but he would spend his day touring the local flora. Not because he wanted to but because after announcing his intention to conduct a survey with Ivy, Oswald had thought to ask Ed if it was something he’d be interested in and, like a fool, he’d said yes. Anything to spend some time together. Even if not alone and with a practical purpose rather than simply for leisure. It was an intimate enough group at least, just him, Ivy, Oswald and Harley, so he had hopes of scoring some alone time.

Those hopes dwindled however as Ivy and Oswald lost themselves to their own niche interests, conversing with great animation and knowledgeability on the ecosystem of the island. A genius he may be but Ed knew better than to try and interject his opinions on either plants or birds with those two. Thankfully he had another companion to help take his mind off things.

Harley was generally good company. Unlike a lot of the other rogues she was always up for a few riddles and tried her best to come up with appropriate answers. In fact, quite often he found himself bemused by the alternatives that she would argue matched his stipulations. A point in fact was the one he’d just posed, a classic that he thought would amuse her; what word starts with the letter e, ends with the letter e, but only has one letter in it?

She’d given it due thought, frowning hard as she puzzled it out and he’d grinned in anticipation of explaining it. Then her face had burst into a smile.

“Eye!”

“What? That’s not even an e how can that-”

“Not  _ I  _ the pronoun silly!” She pointed at her own eye. “Starts with an e, ends with an e and only has the letter y between.”

“But that word doesn’t have only one letter in it,” he explained patiently.

“Oh, okay then. So it's e!”

“That’s not even a word!”

“It is. It’s a mathematical constant.”

He blinked in surprise at her knowing that and she rolled her eyes at him.

“Just ‘cause I like fun and games doesn’t mean I’m stupid.”

Her justifiable anger made him nervous so he focused on reciting the solution.

“Envelope. The answer is envelope. Starts with and e, ends with an e and has a letter in it.”

“Might not have a letter in it,” she huffed, obviously still miffed.

Quickly he decided to concede control of the game to her.

“Why don’t you ask me one instead?”

It was obviously a good move as she clapped in delight.

“Oh! I know a good one. What’s green an’ red an’ goes round and round?”

Although he was taken aback by the glee with which she asked such a childish joke - he barely dignified it with the appellation ‘riddle’ - he nevertheless answered instinctively.

“Frog in a blender.”

It was a second too late that he realised he should have pretended to have been at least a little stumped. She narrowed her eyes at him and then grinned in a manner far too wicked to be anything but trouble for him.

“Okay Mr Smartypants. I have one that will give even  _ you  _ trouble.”

He squared his shoulders in preparation.

“Do your worst. There’s no riddle I can’t answer.”

“Fine. Then  _ riddle me this _ … when are you gonna tell Oswald ya love him?”

Ed actually stumbled, completely caught out by the question. His eyes flew ahead to where the other two were blissfully unaware of the conversation happening behind them.

“That’s not… I mean… I can’t just  _ tell  _ him! It doesn’t work that way.”

“Of course it does. Look, I’ll show you.”

And before Ed could think to stop her she whistled shrilly to get their companions’ attention. He tried not to panic as both Oswald and Ivy turned with identical curious expressions. There was a strong temptation to hide behind Harley or else run back down the path.

“Ivy?” Harley waited a beat. “I love you.”

The other woman smiled sweetly back at her.

“I love you too Harley.”

It was possible Ed was speechless for the first time in his life. Was it that easy? To just… tell someone what he was feeling? He glanced to Oswald, who was looking almost wistfully at the women, and his mouth fell open as if to speak. Then his rational thinking claimed control of the show again and he hastily shut his jaw with an audible click.

How would it look to say ‘I love you’ to Oswald immediately after Harley said it to Ivy? At best it would seem placating. At worst mocking. No. Words might work for Harley who wore her heart habitually on her sleeve but for him, who made his reputation in word play, it would never be sufficient. He still needed a better plan.

As everyone continued moving through the trees, and Ed and Harley were again left to their own conversation, she nudged him forcefully.

“See? You just gotta speak from the heart.”

“Yes, well.” He sniffed as derisively as he could. “You and Ivy already have the groundwork laid. I can’t just lay that on Oswald without  _ some  _ forewarning.”

“Okay,” she allowed, nodding thoughtfully. “Then you need a romantic gesture first.” Her eye fell upon a particularly lush bloom beside the path and she pointed excitedly. “How about flowers?”

He eyed the plant in question sceptically. It was particularly beautiful, it was true, but that just made him wary of it. Then he spied what looked to be a large patch of purple daisies. Not only were there enough to make an impressive bunch but he knew Oswald favoured purple.

“Hold my cane,” he instructed before delving into the undergrowth to start gathering them.

How long he spent selecting the best flowers and creating a perfect arrangement he couldn’t say but Harley waited patiently until he stumbled back with a bouquet that was bigger than his own chest. She clapped in excited approval.

“Perfect! Now as soon as we catch up with the others you can give ‘em to Oswald. Then I can snag Ivy for the walk home and leave you two love birds alone.”

The plan began to unfurl in Ed’s head even as they made their way quickly along the winding path. Presenting the flowers would draw him wide eyed admiration he was sure. Finally having solitude would allow the chance for more intimate conversation and he could at long last broach the topic of his affection. He felt a tingling sensation at the idea.

It had obviously taken longer than he’d realised to collect his gift since they seemed to walk an age without finding Ivy or Oswald. And all the while the tingling feeling intensified until he realised it wasn’t mere anticipation but an actual skin irritation. Consequently when they did spot the others, his first reaction wasn’t a presentation but an exclamation.

“Ivy! What the hell are these?”

Her eyes narrowed at the sight of so many cut blooms but he barely paid that any mind.

“Those are asters,” she replied coolly.

“Great,” he sneered. “And just why do my hands itch now?”

“Because not all plants are defenceless,” she retaliated. “These particular babies have a sap that can cause dermatitis. But only usually in sensitive people.” She added the last part with a cruel smile. Ed glared at her even as he threw the plants away from him.

“Ivy.” Oswald spoke her name with warning before glancing to Ed’s hands. “I have antihistamines back at the house. In the first aid box in the greenhouse. Harley, perhaps you could help Ed?”

“Shouldn’t you go?” She tried to smile enticingly. “Since you know where it is.”

Unfortunately her plea gave the wrong impression.

“You may well like a private walk with Ms Isley but I do still need her expertise. Besides which, you’re the nurse.”

“Doctor!” she huffed impatiently. “Alright, fine.”

Ed found himself grabbed by the arm and dragged away. It stopped him scratching at the rash but alerted him to the curtailing of any hopes he had for the afternoon.

“Thanks a lot,” he sneered. “Great plan.”

“Hey! I didn’t tell you to pick  _ those  _ plants! In fact I just told you to tell ‘im straight. But oh no, Riddler has to make a song and dance about everything. Now neither of us are going to get any quality time with our crushes this afternoon.”

He had the good sense to bite his tongue. It didn’t do to antagonise the person in charge of helping you cope with chemical irritants. While it was true his own plans to woo Oswald were spoiled, it had also ruined Harley’s plans too. He might not accept that as entirely his fault but he was wise enough to know it meant he shouldn’t expect any further help from Harley.

He was going to have to come up with another way to win Oswald’s affections. But later, once he could focus on anything beyond the itching crawling through his hands.


	4. Chapter 4

The antihistamine had cured the worst of the irritation and Ivy had been kind enough to stop by to help heal the rest of the rash. Although it was perhaps less kindness on her part and rather encouragement from Harley. Either way, Ed was grateful that he’d be undistracted as he joined everyone for the beach barbeque. Or at least not distracted by itchy skin.

Penguin was once again the centre of attention as party host and Ed couldn’t help but feel any chance he had was slipping rapidly away. They were all due to leave tomorrow after all. He surveyed everything going on and tried to gauge his best option.

Man-Bat was currently flying Harley out over the waves, completely unbothered by the dark. Ed could hear her excited calls and giggles. Further up the shore there was a campfire lit and Catwoman was lounging beside it on the sand. A little back from the flames but close enough to converse with her was Ivy. Opposite them Clayface was blending with the sand, and looking very like a sculpture, as he talked quite animatedly with Two-Face about something.

That was all to Ed’s right. Over to his left was the barbeque being manned by Freeze, who looked quite out of place tending flames but must have been doing a good job since he had an eager pair hovering behind him already chomping on burgers. Bane and Croc would no doubt take quite a bit of filling.

Which left the final group in the middle. Already carrying plates of food, Penguin was engaged with Joker, Mad Hatter and Scarecrow, looking like he didn't have a care in the world. While Ed wanted to join the group, an inexplicable awkwardness stilled his feet and he held back. He angled instead over towards the calm conversations happening round the campfire.

“How’s the rash?” Ivy asked as he settled beside Clayface.

If she hoped to embarrass him she would have been disappointed.

“Gone. Thank you.”

He dug his hands into the soft sand under him, idly noting the surface heat quickly giving way to the cool grains underneath.

“What’s this?” Catwoman sat up in curiosity. “No riddle?”

“I’m not in the mood,” he sniffed, hoping they’d drop it.

“Is something wrong?” Harvey queried worriedly. “Yeah,” Two-Face narrowed his eyes. “You’re not usually half so quiet.”

“It's just been a long day that’s all,” he protested.

Although he kept his face turned to where he was trailing grains through his hands, he nevertheless caught Ivy’s smirk and briefly hoped she’d stay silent. Unfortunately luck really wasn’t on his side.

“A long day and no closer to snagging Penguin,” she pointed out.

He grit his teeth but refused to rise to the bait. Sadly, no-on else took his point of view.

“You still haven’t made your move?” Catwoman half purred half sneered as she reclined again.

“Why don’t you just ask him out?” Harvey asked plainly.

Ed only had a second to contemplate how to reply to that when Two-Face interrupted to answer his other half.

“What kind of pathetic suggestion is that? You gotta make it so  _ he’s  _ the one begging  _ you  _ for a date.”

“How on earth am I supposed to do that?” Ed gave up on ignoring the conversation and focused on getting what he could out of it.

“Easy. Make him jealous.”

“Hmph.” Ed folded his arms, utterly dismissive. “He’s barely noticed me for two days. I doubt he’d notice if I started flirting with someone else.”

“Not the way  _ you  _ flirt,” Harvey interjected before Two-Face carried on. “You gotta make a spectacle of it. Be so obnoxiously coquettish that everyone around you feels physically ill. And your partner has to be visibly sick with love for you.”

“My partner,” Ed echoed. “And who’s going to play this starring role?”

Next to him the heap of sand that was Clayface shifted and reformed into a movie poster pin up model. Rippling abs, tanned and with perfectly styled hair. Momentarily, everyone was stunned. Then Harvey waved a hand excitedly.

“If you’re not interested, I am!”

“Men.” Ivy’s huffed exclamation broke the bubble. “This whole scheme is stupid in the extreme.”

“I agree,” Catwoman said, albeit eyeing the hunk opposite.

Riddler hesitated. On the one hand he had little interest in brawn, much preferring a lively wit, and the lingering knowledge that the figure next to him was basically Clay was off putting. On the other, there was no denying the sudden interest rippling out from their little group as everyone else on the beach became aware of something afoot.

He made his choice.

Forcing a giggle he lightly shoved Clayface’s shoulder, very nearly losing his hand in the process, before glancing round faux bashfully.

“Oh you! You’ll make me blush!”

He caught sight of Penguin’s group looking his way and ducked his head to hide his smile. While Scarecrow had looked unimpressed, and Jervis simply bemused, Oswald had been attentive.

“This will end in tears,” Ivy muttered.

But Ed paid her no mind. The thrill of having a working scheme finally to draw Oswald’s gaze was too good. Clayface was busy next to him flexing his arms, and bulking them out for maximum effect, and Ed ws trying to cast coy glances at the display while simultaneously watching for Oswald’s reaction.

It seemed Penguin was talking still to his companions but was undeniably throwing glances their way. Imaging the conclusion to this display, of Oswald finally realising he wanted Ed and striding over to lay his own claim, made it easy for Ed to wear a blissful smile. He barely paid any attention to the boastful rogue supposedly holding him enthralled.

That was until said rogue shifted closer and repositioned his hand over Ed’s butt. The action had probably been built to yet, since Ed had been lost in his fantasies, he simply froze in surprise. Turning to finally look fully at his romancer again, he saw a face that screamed smug jerk. Self-satisfied and entitled, it momentarily shook Ed back into his younger, more vulnerable days and he didn’t know what to do.

“How’s about a kiss sweetheart?”

As he leant towards him, without even awaiting a response, Ed finally snapped back into himself and his hand swung forcefully to slap the offending face away. Naturally it simply passed right through, deforming the chameleon effect and making Clayface shift back into his natural state.

“That’s enough of that,” Ed stated decisively, standing himself up and deliberately brushing sand from his shorts.

“Your loss.” Clayface shrugged impressively, a whole wave shifting down his form.

Meanwhile Ed had turned away with the intention of stalking over to Oswald’s group, only to see that group was now missing the dapper figure of Penguin. He went over anyway, eyes scanning down to the shore and back up to the grass line, before he reached the trio left behind.

“Where’s Oswald?” he demanded.

“He said he was tired and went back to the house,” Scarecrow told him.

“He did come over awfully quiet,” Jervis added. “He must have been quite fatigued.”

“Do you know,” Joker tilted his head at the pair. “I can’t actually tell if you’re joking or not.”

“What do you mean?” Ed turned to him. “Didn’t Oswald go back to the house?”

“Oh yes,” Joker agreed. “He did. But it was quite obviously because of your little display over there.”

“No. That can’t be right. He was supposed to…”

But here he trailed off, unwilling to say he wanted Oswald to swoop in and sweep him off his feet when he saw what a hot commodity Riddler was. It was understood regardless however. Scarecrow crossed his arms as he surveyed him.

“Let me get this straight. You flirted with Clayface, a shapeshifter who can take the form of whoever you consider most handsome, with the aim of getting Oswald jealous. You seriously expected Oswald, you is frequently teased for his looks and has been saddled with the name ‘Penguin’, to challenge the aforementioned shapeshifter for you? Without even giving him a hint you wanted him to?”

Ed opened his mouth to protest, either that Jonathan himself had been supposed to help with that proposed hint or that the plan wasn’t  _ that  _ idiotic, when Jervis interposed his own soft exclamation.

“Oh dear. Now that you mention it. He did look quite upset.”

“Upset?” Ed’s thoughts were derailed by that concept. “Why should he have been upset?”

A clip around his head shocked him and he looked aggrieved to Joker.

“Are you really such a numbskull? Isn’t it obvious? Pengy likes you! I mean  _ likes  _ you likes you.”

“He… wait, what?”

Joker rolled his eyes.

“He’s been trying to flirt with you all weekend. Poorly I’ll admit but then it’s not like you’ve been much better. Now though, he thinks you’re interested in Clayface.”

“But I’m not!” Ed looked appealingly to each of them. “I want Oswald. You all know that right?”

“ _ We _ know that,” Scarecrow agreed sardonically. “But Oswald certainly doesn’t.”

“Well if your plan for movie night had worked,” Ed snapped.

“It did work,” Scarecrow countered, smirking. “For me.”

“Jonathan,” Jervis admonished with a fond look.

Ed turned back to Joker as the boyfriends shared an affectionate glance.

“What am I supposed to do now?” he whined.

“Sheesh. What you should have done from the start.” When Ed continued to stare pathetically, he elaborated. “Just  _ tell  _ him.”

“Just tell him,” Ed repeated, nodding to himself.

He switched his gaze between the three of them. They all stared back expectantly until it became clear he wasn’t moving.

“Now would be good,” Jervis suggested with an awkward smile.

“Oh! Right. Of course.”

A fearful look up towards the house indicated Ed’s trepidation. Joker grabbed his shoulder and pushed him into motion.

“Get going. Before the man sinks too deep into self loathing.”

That finally got through to Riddler and he stumbled in his haste to coordinate his limbs into motion. The trio watched him as he disappeared along the path.

“Ten bucks he chickens out,” Scarecrow proposed.

“Jonathan!”

Jervis sounded scandalised but Joker extended a hand and grinned at the spooky rogue.

“You’re on.”


	5. Chapter 5

By the time he reached the house Riddler didn’t have much more of a plan than when he’d set out. It was all very well for the others to urge him to simply tell Oswald how he felt but could he really trust their insistence that Oswald actually liked him in return? And how awkward would it be explaining his reasoning for flirting with Clayface if it turned out he didn’t?

Nevertheless, the worry that he might possibly have hurt the other man in his shenanigans was reason enough to check on him at the very least. Edward could decide how to play things when he saw if Oswald was actually upset or not.

Given the fact he’d apparently stated tiredness as his excuse for leaving early, Ed assumed Oswald would have gone to his bedroom. He therefore hurried up there himself to knock on the door. It was perhaps not surprising that he received no response so he followed up with an anxious call. When that too got no reply he felt the first real tendrils of worry claw at him and he hesitated only briefly before trying the handle.

The door swung open easily and he found himself looking into the mansion’s master bedroom. A quick glance didn’t reveal Penguin but did show distinctive signs of his personality all over. A four poster bed that would be more at home in Victorian England alongside a small portable TV that was more 1970s than 1870s. A cluttered vanity table including tri-fold mirror, with a hatstand and an umbrella holder either side of it. And, in the centre of the bed, a large plush duck . Ed couldn’t help but smile at it all and itched to open some of the wardrobes. However he refrained in that and instead went to check the ensuite for an occupant.

The room was equally empty but did provide a waft of Penguin’s signature scent. Ed inhaled deeply before frowning and wondering just where else their host might be. He left the set of rooms and wandered back to the corridor. Any other bedroom seemed unlikely so he headed back down the stairs and considered his options. When he was upset he’d throw himself into projects but Penguin wasn’t like him in that regard.

On a hunch, he walked over to the kitchen and stepped inside to see Oswald was indeed sat at one of the bench tables. He had a tub of ice cream in front of him and a spoon busy ferrying some to his mouth until he noticed Edward in the doorway.

“Oh! Ed. I mean, Riddler. Is something the matter?”

“Perhaps you should tell me,” he retaliated, making his way in to sit opposite. “You left the party early and now I find you sitting alone eating ice cream.”

To be honest, Ed was quite pleased with the discovery since it seemed to back up what his friends had asserted but he couldn’t quite rule out a late night snack before bed. As if reading his mind though Penguin’s answer echoed the doubt.

“I was tired but I do like to finish the day on a sweet note if I can.” His eyes returned to said sweet treat and he swirled the spoon again to gather a new scoop. “Was there something you needed? You seemed pretty distracted when I left.”

His tone was sufficient to raise Ed’s hopes again, tinged as it was with the touch of jealousy Ed had been seeking with his little game. He rested his elbows on the table and linked his hands to make a cradle for his chin.

“Distracted? With Clayface?” He scoffed exaggeratedly. “Please. He’s really not my type. No brain at all. Literally. I mean, it's all sand up there.”

“You looked interested enough,” Oswald muttered accusingly and Ed might have crowed.

“If I was interested in him would I have noted your absence so quickly? Or followed you back here?”

Oswald looked back up at him, clearly hearing the implication in the words but not willing to make the leap to assumption just yet.

“Why are you back here Eddie? Were you just bored at the party?”

“Well, there certainly wasn’t much to hold my interest once you left.”

A huff of frustration met this announcement and Oswald rolled his eyes.

“You shouldn’t tease,” he complained, sticking his spoon with unnecessary force into the tub.

It suddenly occurred to Ed that Oswald still thought he was making fun of him. He’d hoped his admission of being focused on Oswald’s movements would have been clear enough but apparently not. In which case he decided to try a more reliable method of communication.

“How about a riddle?” he asked. “You’re always so good at them.”

For a moment he thought Oswald might refuse but then he sighed.

“Alright.”

“One and one makes two, but two can make one. How do they do it?”

“By joining together,” Oswald answered promptly. He then blinked as he registered the solution. “Eddie? Are you saying… you want to join together? With… someone?”

“With  _ you  _ Oswald.” Ed finally managed to confess.

“With me?”

It frankly amazed Ed that Oswald could look quite so stunned at that revelation. He knew his flirting hadn’t been working but he had assumed it had at least been noticed, if not actually appreciated.

“Yes, with you,” he confirmed. “I’ve been trying to tell you all weekend. Before that even. I’d hoped you might have picked up my hints so this could have been a private holiday.”

“Oh.”

As Oswald said nothing else Ed continued talking to fill the void.

“Now we’ll be heading home tomorrow and it’ll be back to the usual grind of making plans, trying to concoct schemes that will incapacitate the Bat without ticking Joker off, most likely finding them insufficient, getting thrown back into Arkham and generally not having time to spend together. Even assuming you’d want to spend time together.”

He’d ducked his head at some point during his rambling and startled slightly when a hand moved into view to grip his own.

“I want to.”

Ed looked up into a smiling face. That tilted inquisitively at him.

“And who says we have to go home tomorrow?”

“Well… your invite was to spend the weekend.”

Oswald gave a very familiar derisive sniff to the remark which strangely made Ed feel more relaxed. Or maybe that was the continuing grip on his hand.

“My invite to the  _ group  _ was for the weekend,” he corrected. “But there’s no reason we couldn't stay a little longer. Just the two of us. Together.”

He seemed to enjoy that word and Ed felt his hand squeeze a little.

“No reason at all,” he concurred happily.

For a moment they sat quietly basking in the warm new connection between them and then Ed cast a sly glance over.

“There is something I’d like tonight. If you’re willing?”

“Oh?”

He watched Oswald lick his lips in either trepidation or anticipation before making his move.

“May I have some of your ice cream?”

There was a beat before Oswald laughed. Ed had a momentary panic as Oswald pulled his hand away but then he saw it was only to retrieve his spoon in order to comply with Ed’s request.

“What flavour is it?” he thought to ask, eying the green confection.

“Pistachio.” Oswald paused with the spoon still hovering his side of the table. “You’re not allergic to nuts are you?”

“No. I’m actually very partial.”

He opened his mouth and let Oswald feed him some of his dessert.

“I’ll have to remember that.”

The prospect of learning such things about each other, insignificant but intimate details few other people would care about, sent a feeling of pure contentment through Ed. Knowing that tomorrow, when everyone else left, he and Oswald would finally be alone and free to behave as romantically as they liked made him almost giddy. Watching Oswald now, seeing the way he looked at Ed as if he could hardly believe he was real, thrilled him. Though he suspected he might have a similar love struck look right now.

“So tomorrow,” Ed paused to lick a drop of melting ice cream from his mouth. “We’ll say goodbye to everyone else and finally get some alone time. Right?”

“Yes. Though… why wait for tomorrow? The night is young and we currently have the house to ourselves. How about we watch another movie?”

“Alright.”

Ed slid from the bench and waited for Oswald before setting off for the room they’d used before. As he turned for that doorway though, he felt a tug at his arm.

“I was thinking somewhere more private,” Oswald suggested. “In case the others come back early. I have a TV in my bedroom?”

The memory of the small screen he’d seen earlier flashed into his mind and Ed nearly objected before realising they’d have to sit close to both see properly.

“That sounds pe _r_ fect,” he purred, happily letting Oswald redirect them.

“Then, if we get too tired, we’ll be in the ideal spot to just fall asleep.”

Ed hummed his agreement and followed his genial host upstairs. It tickled him to think that none of the others would know tonight that he didn’t sleep in his own room, since he had no intention of leaving Oswald’s unless explicitly asked to leave, but he looked forward to flaunting the fact in the morning. A glance to Oswald suggested he might be thinking along precisely the same lines. But, for tonight at least, they’d relish in keeping their new relationship their own little secret.

It wasn’t as if anyone else was invested in it after all.


End file.
